same

It's the same dilemma again. We're slowly stopping from classes these days, it's the end of semester 3. But, we're still on date line's pressure. I've lose motivation in me again.

I was thinking, maybe I should have think of something easier to execute. For now, I see myself

not doing design anymore in the future. Many are like that.

Some times, I just think, why am I doing this? It's not giving me satisfaction or sense of achievement what so ever, like what designers are suppose to have. I'm struggling through this design thing. I'm not bad, but I'm not good either. It's not making any sense right now.

Sometimes, I hear this in the radio. Many people lives a boring life. Everyday is the same, life as a human= life as a robot, no sense in life. I feel this way right now. I think if I can do design part time, while putting other things as my priority, it would be more fun. At least, i'll like design more than now.

Doing thing we don't like, is not important, and why am I still doing this? I do not have the answer.

dilema

I'm having thoughts in my head these 2 days. I was so lazy to get started to do any of my projects. I know I have to think positive to get through this, but it's just not that easy to walk the walk at the end of the day.

Now I've understand myself better.

my strength: thinking, writing, language, drawing.

weakness: problem solving, building the real thing, coloring, basically all workmanship and techniques.

solution: practice. find out your strength as soon as possible.

the thing is, I do felt that we can't really adapt because it always changes in every semester. Even if I've find my strength, I can never rely on it because I may be doing a sculpture one day, and a visual journal on another.

here's the thing. I've been told that I'm not working hard enough to ensure my scholarship's continuation. I've founded out from the college's office, that an overall B gred (60) is already enough to keep the scholarship. But in order to secure it, I have this mind set to get all As for every semester. So, I'm expecting myself to deliver every step of the way.

During studies in school, even though we have exams and all, but I was never stress until the point of fed up, like what I'm having for design. Academic was easy for me. So, I was starting to think maybe I'm meant for academic things, maybe I should stop. I was lazy and frequently losing motivation for design. Maybe I should quit from the course and learn other things.

But I may never get another scholarship from other colleges. To start over, I'll be wasting time. And I don't want to lose any of these. Plus, quitting from something sponsored is too adventuress for me. Oh~ some times I just hope I can go wild, because I'm too restrictive towards myself. I'm always the one whose stopping myself from doing things.

In the mean time, I was also thinking what else can I do. A writer/ columnist/ author for fiction books, because people always compliment my language ability, well just English and Malay actually. I could take part in writing competitions to collect proves for my writing ability in the future, if i'm really going to be a writer. I could be a music teacher and an orchestra violinist. That can support my living expenses. And if I quit from the course, I would keep practicing art and be an amateur.

Now that I've got my thoughts out, don't think I'll quit from the course. I'm just too coward to do that.