The overwhelming laziness

I feel it is important to do this today, tonight, for I sleep. So, here goes.

It's been roughly 2 months after the 'therapy' began. I told myself to blog after 1 month, and check on my progress. Well, instead of 1 month, I blog after 2 months. (After 1 month) Actually I blogged, but it was on a paper, that is why it is not seen here. Instead there's only this 'after 2 months' blog.

It's 7 days from project dateline, and today I have done nothing. "Procrastination" is a sickness really. Since the last blog, I have been doing short tasks everyday, getting a sense of getting things done everyday, therefore my discipline level have clearly improved by a lot. I even managed to practice violin almost everyday. Which is great, but it is not so in design. I am still lacking discipline and self-motivation on design.

Feeling dread and lazy with design, has been the situation since the beginning of Year 3. The trend goes like this; Year 1: Struggle and Discovery, Year 2: Accomplishment, Year 3: Dread. Often in Year 3, I feel reluctant to do my projects. There's a very strong laziness arising very often in mid of projects. This lazy feeling is so hard to overcome. Every time I overcome it, it comes back every 3 days. Maybe it's because I really hate doing it anymore. Finishing a project is not a 1-3 day job, but 4 weeks job. That is why it is so hard to maintain the fire for an entire month or year.

What do I do? Sometimes I wonder can I get through this, and graduate. This laziness makes me want to quit, like quitting a job. The course stops in end of July. It's just end of February now. What~ Can I do this. I feel I'm going to miss 1 dateline soon, or get bad result, or not graduate.

Lazy god, you are so powerful.
Adulthood, you are so hard to get through.

Therapist:
Wanlee, you have shown improvement with the plans you figured out last time. You've shown improved discipline in your studies. This laziness, dread is another thing that can be controlled, finish it fast. Manage your time well, be productive. You can afford to play hard, spend quality time with your family, and not be affected by you dread for design. Solution: finish your project in a blast!

How? It depends on your skill. You don't have to depend on me, or your friends to motivate you. You are already 22 years old this year. You were an ace in secondery school, and was an ace too in Year 2 Graphic Design too. Managing this is suppose to be easily doable. It may not be easy, it might create some unhappy brain cells in you. But keep your eyes on the rewards, and the happy cells, free time you'll get after you finish your project. Now calculate, to finish the project: 14 days; reward time: 30 days. Wow~ it sounds like a great great deal.

About the schedule, don't worry about it. If you are within the dateline or your schedule, it's fine to be lazy a bit. So remember, the reward. Project, then reward. ok?

Today's writing is not so enjoyable and fluent. ahaha~ I wish this mindset and solution works. Wow, Year 3 is difficult. Being a final year student, this is how it feels.

Year 3

It's December 26, 2013, it's a Thursday here.

These few days, I've been feeling a dread every time I wake up in the morning, knowing that I need to do assignment. I'm running out of time but yet I don't feel like doing it.

This Year 3 is crazy, the time tables I feel is messed up, jumbled up. I can't focus. Knowing that I have 2 more assignment untouched while focusing on my writing, I feel stressed.

Since year 3 began, I've been feeling this; I can't wait for graduation. Is it because I'm too impatient, unworthy of any long fights? Is it because I have lose any drip of passion I had when I first chose this path? Is it because I am growing old and I am turning more stubborn and is not able to have the right mind, to persuade myself to pull this through.

I just want to give up, give up every assignment; I had this plan now, to not care for anymore marks or what, I don't want first class honor, I don't care to reach any expectations from myself and my friends. Maybe it's just my expectation on myself. My sibling and parents, even my teacher never blame me if there's any failure, if there's any what ever what ever. Well, I think I am never the best, and never below average; maybe that's why I have the expectation now to not disappoint them. I can take care of myself, I can manage, I'm an adult.

It use to be effortless, even when I had the attitude to just simply do my design projects, without 100% of effort. Now that I've lose passion, decided I am not going into design after graduation, knowing it's just a few months left before I get the cert and be set free from this torturing state; I can't wait for it to end! Kinda hate design now. It's a burden now, not obligation of a student, not homework, it's burden. I would rather pay someone to do it for me.

Yet I care about what I see when the design is out. I'm thorned. At first, I told myself I don't want first class anymore. And then, I tell myself, I'll just do it without questioning its quality, you know, just to shut the fuck the requirement of the course. And yet, when my shit design turns out looking errmm.. I care, I want to do touch up and make it better. I want to let go, but a part of me wants to get a grip of this and do it right; at least not waste my effort and make an ok portfolio. At the end of the day, I will be showing it to people.

Maybe in the long run, for people like me, people without passion for design, it's best to go back to the previous mind set; I can do it, I can manage, as long I hand in by dateline, it depends on me when I want to do it. I'm an adult now, I'll take charge, it's my result, I can do whatever I want with it. Wow! it feel so good then, no pressure, no class rep, no expectation, and most of all, I don't care; and when I get compliment, it's a bonus, and I'm happy.

What do I do? I feel trap, I know it will end, but while the course last, so will my sufferings. As Budddist teachings say, the suffering is in your head. Take control! Wan Lee, take control. Calm down, set time table, make extras for unexpected situations. It will be done smoothly, stress free because you know everything is under control. And you don't care what anyone thinks, it's just you.

The problem is you. You used to know what you want. What do you want now? A time out.
Well, make that a part of your time table then, You're allowed a time out, but you have to get things done. You may want to talk to your tutor or lecturer, maybe try skipping a presentation for once. I've never tried it, might as well try it before you graduate. muahahahha^^

Don't care, you don't have to do the very best, you just need to do ok, and get it done just to SHUT them up.

I need more therapy, may I continue?
Yes, you eat first la.
Ok, see you later.
See ya.

Hey I'm back.
When I walked down stairs just now, no, since i woke up, my shoulders' are slouching. I don't have any more strength. Well, it's not that serious actually, but I just don't want to do anything, My god!

Hey, I have some idea to solve your problem.
List your problem. We try together to tackle the problem one by one. Come on, I'm sure somebody who have done well all this while can do this. Let's pull this through together. You're not alone, I'll help you.
...Thanks...
Alright!

Problem
1. I don't feel like any of my assignment is going to end. It's just on and on and on. I need the satisfaction of completing something, really often.
2. My head is messed up
3. The feeling of overload work, I feel like I can't handle it.
4. I've lost my passion
5. I'm not sure I can reach my goal: even to meet every dateline
6. I need time for leisure, reward, once in a while.
7. I want to let go, but I hate my final artworks.

Solution
1. Set task for everyday. Get satisfaction from crossing every task you complete.
2. Keep things organize, planned, clear
3. Set time table, base on priority and date lines. Goal: just finish it.
4. Remember your goal is finish the course, you don't have to love it. You need to reach your goal.
5. Motivate yourself everyday. Every night compliment 3 things you do good that day.
6. Well, organize your time. Only work on weekdays, you'll be more productive.
7. Choose one, you HAVE TO decide.

...Thanks...
Please try, because I know you can do it, Wan Lee
You blog a month later, we check the progress later. I'm sure this is not so bad. You can graduate.
Haha, imagine when you read this a month later or when you're older, this will seem funny. Because it will seem just so small of a problem. hehe
Thanks, imaginary friend, wan lee

Not-to-be publish til 28 Nov 2012

It's time to write again

Bits of update. Lately, lots have happen. I've got into a competition with a group, 5 person, including me, signed up for the team. It was terrible. It has been a long time since something made me feel so alienated, like this time's group work.
On the paper, i am the leader, but in reality, it's Louie. I know I am acting so egoistic now, even though I said I already let it go. From being the one who founded the project, into some one who wants to have nothing to do with this project. At the end of the day, the outcome was honestly horrible, I swear this is not because of any of my buyers opinion, but it is really a bad work. Even if it get compliment at the end, I won't like to take any credit, if only anyone would think other wise of this video they made. There is little I can do, I am not as cunning as her, and I would not wish to, one day, become a person like her. From this experience, I learn that there are REALLY people as creepy as her. Manipulating every second, every person around, to get what she wants. I am truly shocked and terrified by people like her, and herself. This experience teach me how to be cautious and the way to react the next time I meet these people. I do still believe in the ingenuity in people. I wish and hope that there's one less person like her, in this world.

Forget that. Now, I am excited and free. Wow! (in high pitch vioce) is the words to express my emotion now. I am damn free now, because normally I would be rushing for dateline at this point, 7 days away from presentation. But, because of this group project, I am really just free, having only the sketch book to work on. Totally under control.
For the last 2 or 3 hours, I was surfing the net, looking for the next hair style, and spectacle, that I'll be having to change to in the next month. The spirit of renewal is so near, because of the atmosphere of year end, Christmas, and by the time you know it, It already Chinese New Year. New hopes, new resolution, new plans, the smell of future, brushing my and hair and skin like sea breeze. I will be better in the future. How positive and hopeful.

New business plan

(also published in Arco Experience, my other blog)

Being in the 'line' for two years already, how ever much I love working with children, I do not believe in pushing expectations on children since young age. Working in this position, it shows me how many parents expect children from the age of 4, be signing up for lessons, after lessons; and be expected to deliver excellence. 

I believe children learn the most out of play time. That was how I learn, how I was raised when I was young. So many examples who are grown up men and women now, proves that children learn on their own, children are self-taught geniuses, they learn by simply living, observing, watching, listening, playing masak-masak, inventing their own game. By the time you know it, they can understand and speak 3 languages just by watching the television.

Besides that, I am being annoyed by the idea of having awkward dinner with colleagues while working in any ordinary company, or profit company; the hypocrite behavior of being an adult; the idea of "we HAVE to socialize", be all smiley in front of your bos and colleagues. Doing that last night, I realize that if I will be joining the society, working in these places where there will be more awkward dinners, that is not what I want. You might say that is the reality, everyone is like that in order to survive in "adult world". But, I though to myself, is there any way, we can change that.

I had many dreams, 

"being part of an orchestra"

"to get tertiary education in music studies"

"to open a music school in the future"

to be exact,

"to open a music school, who will be also a platform for many people to spend time for their hobby in music"

"to have and be part of student societies of music"

are some of them. 

So, I though of a new plan for my future music school. Let's start with the concept. Initially, this will be a project, rather than a place, an office. The project will provide a platform for people to play music as a hobby or passion. 

In the name of "love for music", rather than "music for result", I will have students, specifically college students, as the target audience. This group is the ones who will have difficulty finding a suitable platform to continue their extra curricular programs after leaving secondary school. Before stepping into the working environment, and loosing touch with their interest, the project aims to sustain the healthy lifestyle of having a hobby to pursue, rather than only having studies or work for life.

The role of 'us', the organizer, will be, to provide a platform for that music interest, to continue, to gather, to be execute. We will be providing venue, teachers (if they don't have one), a platform to gather people from different places, according to interest or classes.

For hobby, people will be expecting free-of-charge, therefore, I am thinking of having a team of volunteers, to sustain this project, rather than the company idea. Therefore, the team will (hopefully) have like-minded and sincere people. With that, I wish to create a close team, genuine to the job, expelling the idea of "adult world".

We play music, because we love it. By targeting college students, with less restriction by parents, target audiences will be free to explore their passion, starting from cheap, or maybe experimental musical instruments. Exciting musical projects, and experience, will change the way of music courses in Malaysia, starting from this project.

The Trend Game

According to a creative director from Hong Kong, Wilde. Things that we create at one point, no matter how much excitement it creates for a particular period, it will always fade and be forgotten after a while.

That is why, for people like me, us, designers, which are suppose to be creating the future, being confused sometimes. While we are trying to piece new, original stuff, all that people want are from the past; vintage, lomography, 60s. When we're creating artworks, we do have this rule, that the things or ideas who had been done, shall be strike off straight away. We were so firm that we refuse to be classified as copy cats, only to find out later, the final 'original' idea has already been done too.

It is not until I had this break from that tension in designing, that I realize the wider picture of the trend game today. The creative industry is still creating, well I won't call it creating entirely, most of it are just discovering and exploring the untouched cultures. Example, K-Pop was a nobody, but now look at Gangnam Style, Korean drama, Running Man, half of the globe wants to learn there language now. Another example, Malaysia artists, film and TV industry had bloom and progressing well into international level. It's not like they did not exist back then, they were just not discovered yet then. But now, they are so progressive and apparent because its potential is now discovered and explored.

The trend game, is really quite funny, when you're a part of it, and when you see its truth. No matter is it "discovering and exploring the untouched cultures", or is it "new from the past", at the end of the day, it depends on the acceptance of the people. It may be luck, it may be because your zodiac star is at the right place this year. I guess, I don't have any conclusion for these babbling, I don't know, I just want to type something today. Being still a design student, I still don't understand the evolution of trend.

appearance defines confidence?

Can't I dress up when I feel like it?
Can't I dress up pretty for myself?
Can I not live up to people's expectation?
Can I just do what I like?

Ever since I started studying in KBU, friends have been telling me to dress up? To change image? To change my hair style? Persuading me by saying, " Wan Lee, if you would change your appearance, I think you would be much much more confident "
Even mum's sending me to fix me some braces, to straighten my teeth.

Everyone keeps telling me to be pretty, even trying to help me do it, or do it for me, instead of just persuading me. The fact is, I have been affected by these persuasions. I have brought dresses, follow trends, hence, I have learn a bit or two about how to choose clothes who can make me look good, I really have. However, it is not everyday that I'll dress up, thinking through everyday's wardrobe. Believe me, I have tried, I ended up being in front of my cupboard for half an hour, every morning, figuring what suits what.

Wait, that is not all. Then, I started to wear contact lenses. For that, I have to have extra half an hour to put on my lenses. I use to blow my hair, but I never really get my hair in shape for a whole day. When the air gets hot on the way (when I am walking to school), my hair freezes up. When wind blows, my hair goes out of shape, ending up with a messy hair-do, all that hard work down the drain. Believe me, for me, blowing my own hair IS hard work (my arms get tangled up when I use the hair dryer and comb at once)

Because I don't have a completely changed wardrobe,so I don't have pretty clothes to wear everyday. So, it is often that my friend would see me dress up like, like what I used to dressed like, T-shirt, jeans. Hair down would be comment as messy, so I keep my hair up.

Today, me and my friends went into some clothing retail. When I saw the clothes which do not interest me, I went out to sit around. My friend say that I am not interested in clothes or dressing up, I am interested when the clothes are pretty, but they're not. Later, she carried on saying that I should change and dress better, it will build up my confidence. Whenever she talks to me of this topic, she'll get all excited, at the she's a bit angry; in other words, like she cares, that is why she get so emotional and raises her voice. I don't take it offensively, because she's my good friend.

I do think it is very much the environment that is causing me to loose my confidence. I was confident before, without these topic throwing up at me all the time like now. I think this society has been very much about appearance, people judge you by appearance; how you look, are you fashionable? Everything is so judgmental on the surface now; I cannot say it is wrong, and neither is it right. I think I have the right to decide when I want to feel good about myself, when can I relax and wear whatever that is convenient, when do I feel like dressing up. It may be every Tuesdays, or when I am 22 years old. I do not need my clothes, my hair, my shoes to fill my confidence, to label me, to say a statement about me, because I, should be my own confidence, I AM MY OWN CONFIDENCE.

Heart to adventure

It's holiday from university these days. Now, I'm sitting at home, everyday, eating, sleeping, serving the net. It is suppose it bore me, but that hasn't hit me yet. From the free free time I am having, I've been doing a lot of thinking. How to make business with my skills in graphic design? How can I get myself popular or followed by internet folks? How about starting a facebook, a blog, a twit? Will I get noticed then? I was thinking of freelancing with graphic design, that is why I need people to notice me. My friends are already working, or looking for work, a regular job that would occupy them at week days, and earn them salaries. I am earning rm700, near rm800 by working once every week. Still, I feel like I am wasting time.


This guy is a new admiration of mine. I've been watching TV a lot these days, and I am especially in love with Nat Geo Adventure. This is Charlie Boorman, a traveler and host of the documentations the travelers have recorded themselves. I truly admire the adventurous living heart in people like Charlie, such passion, and love to the outdoor, eager to explore, eager to live every second of life to the fullest. I learn a lot from watching that channel, things in every part of the world; and they are not the typical things you see when you travel there, they are the true and insights of things in that country. Do you know that Bangladesh is a very poor country? But they are people who are pure, purer than people that I have seen every day in the cities and all. I do hope one day I can do what these travelers do, to let go of what's at home, just throw off all the burden, and go anywhere to have an adventure. Wow! Imagine that, It would be great!

I am also thinking of starting a concept store... room, to store all the thinking. Who knows one day I'll be able to use them, or I can sell them to clients in the future. You know I am selfish. Thinking of opening a freelance at facebook, I am afraid of putting my production online, because I am afraid people will steal my work.