appearance defines confidence?

Can't I dress up when I feel like it?
Can't I dress up pretty for myself?
Can I not live up to people's expectation?
Can I just do what I like?

Ever since I started studying in KBU, friends have been telling me to dress up? To change image? To change my hair style? Persuading me by saying, " Wan Lee, if you would change your appearance, I think you would be much much more confident "
Even mum's sending me to fix me some braces, to straighten my teeth.

Everyone keeps telling me to be pretty, even trying to help me do it, or do it for me, instead of just persuading me. The fact is, I have been affected by these persuasions. I have brought dresses, follow trends, hence, I have learn a bit or two about how to choose clothes who can make me look good, I really have. However, it is not everyday that I'll dress up, thinking through everyday's wardrobe. Believe me, I have tried, I ended up being in front of my cupboard for half an hour, every morning, figuring what suits what.

Wait, that is not all. Then, I started to wear contact lenses. For that, I have to have extra half an hour to put on my lenses. I use to blow my hair, but I never really get my hair in shape for a whole day. When the air gets hot on the way (when I am walking to school), my hair freezes up. When wind blows, my hair goes out of shape, ending up with a messy hair-do, all that hard work down the drain. Believe me, for me, blowing my own hair IS hard work (my arms get tangled up when I use the hair dryer and comb at once)

Because I don't have a completely changed wardrobe,so I don't have pretty clothes to wear everyday. So, it is often that my friend would see me dress up like, like what I used to dressed like, T-shirt, jeans. Hair down would be comment as messy, so I keep my hair up.

Today, me and my friends went into some clothing retail. When I saw the clothes which do not interest me, I went out to sit around. My friend say that I am not interested in clothes or dressing up, I am interested when the clothes are pretty, but they're not. Later, she carried on saying that I should change and dress better, it will build up my confidence. Whenever she talks to me of this topic, she'll get all excited, at the she's a bit angry; in other words, like she cares, that is why she get so emotional and raises her voice. I don't take it offensively, because she's my good friend.

I do think it is very much the environment that is causing me to loose my confidence. I was confident before, without these topic throwing up at me all the time like now. I think this society has been very much about appearance, people judge you by appearance; how you look, are you fashionable? Everything is so judgmental on the surface now; I cannot say it is wrong, and neither is it right. I think I have the right to decide when I want to feel good about myself, when can I relax and wear whatever that is convenient, when do I feel like dressing up. It may be every Tuesdays, or when I am 22 years old. I do not need my clothes, my hair, my shoes to fill my confidence, to label me, to say a statement about me, because I, should be my own confidence, I AM MY OWN CONFIDENCE.

Heart to adventure

It's holiday from university these days. Now, I'm sitting at home, everyday, eating, sleeping, serving the net. It is suppose it bore me, but that hasn't hit me yet. From the free free time I am having, I've been doing a lot of thinking. How to make business with my skills in graphic design? How can I get myself popular or followed by internet folks? How about starting a facebook, a blog, a twit? Will I get noticed then? I was thinking of freelancing with graphic design, that is why I need people to notice me. My friends are already working, or looking for work, a regular job that would occupy them at week days, and earn them salaries. I am earning rm700, near rm800 by working once every week. Still, I feel like I am wasting time.


This guy is a new admiration of mine. I've been watching TV a lot these days, and I am especially in love with Nat Geo Adventure. This is Charlie Boorman, a traveler and host of the documentations the travelers have recorded themselves. I truly admire the adventurous living heart in people like Charlie, such passion, and love to the outdoor, eager to explore, eager to live every second of life to the fullest. I learn a lot from watching that channel, things in every part of the world; and they are not the typical things you see when you travel there, they are the true and insights of things in that country. Do you know that Bangladesh is a very poor country? But they are people who are pure, purer than people that I have seen every day in the cities and all. I do hope one day I can do what these travelers do, to let go of what's at home, just throw off all the burden, and go anywhere to have an adventure. Wow! Imagine that, It would be great!

I am also thinking of starting a concept store... room, to store all the thinking. Who knows one day I'll be able to use them, or I can sell them to clients in the future. You know I am selfish. Thinking of opening a freelance at facebook, I am afraid of putting my production online, because I am afraid people will steal my work.

first for 2012

update update
So far, I'm quite frankly numb from doing design home works. In fact, it's running pretty good so far. As if when you don't worry, just do what you think is right, everything becomes clear and simple. However I am not consistent in being good, yet.

From doing a poetry book for illustration book, I've fell for Sarah Kay's poetries. So I went to Kinokuniya to give it a go, try and get one of her books. It's on the list, but no stock, and it's not being publishing anymore. What a shame. I was in love with the beauties of words, I didn't know that words counld be so beautiful. I wish I can do the same.

Since, I have not been successful in entering the MPYO, my focus is well, nothing now. Will try to invest a little more effort into my studies, because Kar make it sound so interesting in Leo Bernett and the stories of Yasmin Ahmad. I'll try for a part time job during the 3 month break.

I would try to write poetry soon, until then I've been in love with something like this. A classic musical song from My Fair Lady, look at the lyrics, amazingly descriptive ^^

Lyrics to On The Street Where You Live:
Freddy When she mentioned how her aunt bit off the spoon,
She completely done me in.
And my heart went on a journey to the moon,
When she told about her father and the gin.
And I never saw a more enchanting farce
Than that moment when she shouted
'move your bloomin' '....
I have often walked down this street before;
But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before.
All at once am I Several stories high.
Knowing I'm on the street where you live.
Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour Out of every door?
No, it's just on the street where you live!
And oh! The towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near.
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear!
People stop and stare. They don't bother me.
For there's no where else on earth that I would rather be.
Let the time go by, I won't care if I
Can be here on the street where you live. 

back to being brave all over again

Can't believe it's been so long since my last post on this blog. I have been through a lot since that blogging, which was during foundation year. it's already term 2 for year 1 in degree, and to be honest, I have learned a lot even though i don't realize it.

I am still experiencing the same thing, the thought of quitting the course, but now that I realize I have been like this since foundation, and I have recovered, I quite frankly, simply numb.

At first I started having problem with datelines, it started to get not healthy because I was not satisfied with my artwork, and there is no time to correct that flaw. Eventually I came out of the attitude to just do it, it's just a matter of coming out with something to show, the end. I became relax and my mind was free.

Then I got close with Zi Hweh, I think she got into me. I mean her mindset. She's very sensitive to stress, and she is easily influenced in a dramatic way. Some times, I got as mad as her, because I tend to try and support her position, to defend her I guess. Some times, I see her as my mirror. She is what I am going to be if I continue with this kind of attitude, so it kind of brings me up because I told myself that I do not want to be like her. Not to say that she's not good, I do try to help out when she's stress out.

It was just last week that I went through the same thought again, do I belong to this suffering course? Actually if you ask me now, what did happen.. Uuuu, I don't remember. I think that's a good thing though, to remember only the good things, not the bad ones. I do remember now, I heard the radio DJ, Chan Feng, said on the counselling program, that a career should be ones ability, not interest. I agreed, then I started thinking that I did not enjoy my course because I am not good in it, I am good in writting and academic stuff, not art. During my dilemma period, Wan Cheng said to me, once you have decided what you want, do not think anymore and walk straight ahead. Thanks to that, I am who I am right now, in this moment, I do not think anymore, I will finish what I started, full stop.

Another interesting thing that did happen was the chaos between us and the lecturers. There was a briefing this Wednesday. The lecturers announce that they have set up a new marking system, and they showed us the A-standard sketch books from NTU. Trust me, if you were there, you would see everyone's expression, it explains what they were thinking. Everyone was stress out and in shock. Base on our standard, we were like being pushed ten steps backwards, as if we would have to start all over again to climb this gigantic mountain. It was silence during the entire briefing. I did felt like crying when I was listening to that, furious almost to the point that one would shake in anger, I could not even speak a word when my friend asked me what's wrong with me. After the lecturers went out, me, Mandy and Zi Hweh sat in the cafeteria, and we were scolding and cursing. At the end, we decided to meet Mr Arthur to clear out the long confusion and stress we got from the lecturers. After the talk with Mr Arthur, we were satisfied, because Mr Arthur was so good at clearing the air, and make us think the other way around. I'm impressed. Do think it's a bravery to voice out to the authority of our lecturers. I really got the idea after Mr Arthur's explanation.

The next day, Ms Alce called for a briefing. Well, it was no brief, it was long, dragging and clueless. Ms Alce said that we should go to her when there is problem, because she's the leader and that is the direct way to communicate and to solve the problem. All the way, all I heard is she defending herself. She said that she herself, trusted us, and we should trust her. When she say that, all I can see is just her putting a play in front of us, total lye. From the beginning, she has been acting fake, for me la. Maybe it's the way working people work in this society. So, I do not trust her any more. Well, experiencing that drama, and tutorial with all 3 lecturers, I have no faith in all 3 of them. That is why I am numb now, I only trust my self. I do agree that I need after school activity starting from next year, to avoid me over thinking again that design is a big heavy burden in my life. I believe this event will be memorable to the lecturers, to the friends that supported this confrontation (with Mr. Arthur and the lecturers) and of course to me. It's been long since I have done something like this, brave and confrontation things, you know. The last time I did it was during secondary school. Felt like it's time for me to go back to the brave, adventuress me all over again.

For now these are my goals for 2012.
New Year Resolution:
1. be in an orchestra, aiming MPYO
2. be more active in other things than just project.
3. to participate in a writing competition.
4. to wear cons as replacement for spectacles.

I'm positive

Not anymore worrying what I'm doing. I'm just going with the flow these days.

I've got my feed back from Ms Yvonne today. I got a B+ for my journal project. Supricingly, when I heard the lecturer's comment, I was neutral. She said she like some entries and some, not so much. She said in term of concept, I'm strong, but in terms of technique not so strong. Which is how I know myself. Ms Yvonne says I have to find a balance between these 2, and improve from there. I take it well, and walk on from there.

I'm gaining confidence along the way. Yesterday (Wed), me and my team presented SUHAKAM for Malaysian studies subject. Among the 3 groups who presented that day, we were the best. The other 2 went off the stage without a clap plus feeling embarrassed; but we ended our presentation by receiving applause from the lecturer and the audience. We all got our point through well, we encounter questions but we were able to answer them. Luckily they were not facts questions. Felt so proud for that presentation, such sense of approval from everyone. When we all went back to our seats, my friends keep complimenting me, saying "love you so much" because (as if) I've save them all.

Once again my ability in academic subjects is recognized. I should be a lawyer..

I've also learn how to cherish and appreciate the "process" lately. I've learn to do silk screen, and today I learn how to remove photo emulsion from the screen. I've learn to use several machines in the 3D studio, and I'm confident in using them. I love those machines, they are so helpful and quick, makes my life much easier. Also liking Mr. Joe from the 3D studio, so kind and generous in helping and teaching fresh students like me.

Life is nice these days, even though it rained and I got wet today, but I'll always remember the times that the sky is good to me.

elecoldxhot winner for showdown 2011!!! Yeah!!!

same

It's the same dilemma again. We're slowly stopping from classes these days, it's the end of semester 3. But, we're still on date line's pressure. I've lose motivation in me again.

I was thinking, maybe I should have think of something easier to execute. For now, I see myself

not doing design anymore in the future. Many are like that.

Some times, I just think, why am I doing this? It's not giving me satisfaction or sense of achievement what so ever, like what designers are suppose to have. I'm struggling through this design thing. I'm not bad, but I'm not good either. It's not making any sense right now.

Sometimes, I hear this in the radio. Many people lives a boring life. Everyday is the same, life as a human= life as a robot, no sense in life. I feel this way right now. I think if I can do design part time, while putting other things as my priority, it would be more fun. At least, i'll like design more than now.

Doing thing we don't like, is not important, and why am I still doing this? I do not have the answer.

dilema

I'm having thoughts in my head these 2 days. I was so lazy to get started to do any of my projects. I know I have to think positive to get through this, but it's just not that easy to walk the walk at the end of the day.

Now I've understand myself better.

my strength: thinking, writing, language, drawing.

weakness: problem solving, building the real thing, coloring, basically all workmanship and techniques.

solution: practice. find out your strength as soon as possible.

the thing is, I do felt that we can't really adapt because it always changes in every semester. Even if I've find my strength, I can never rely on it because I may be doing a sculpture one day, and a visual journal on another.

here's the thing. I've been told that I'm not working hard enough to ensure my scholarship's continuation. I've founded out from the college's office, that an overall B gred (60) is already enough to keep the scholarship. But in order to secure it, I have this mind set to get all As for every semester. So, I'm expecting myself to deliver every step of the way.

During studies in school, even though we have exams and all, but I was never stress until the point of fed up, like what I'm having for design. Academic was easy for me. So, I was starting to think maybe I'm meant for academic things, maybe I should stop. I was lazy and frequently losing motivation for design. Maybe I should quit from the course and learn other things.

But I may never get another scholarship from other colleges. To start over, I'll be wasting time. And I don't want to lose any of these. Plus, quitting from something sponsored is too adventuress for me. Oh~ some times I just hope I can go wild, because I'm too restrictive towards myself. I'm always the one whose stopping myself from doing things.

In the mean time, I was also thinking what else can I do. A writer/ columnist/ author for fiction books, because people always compliment my language ability, well just English and Malay actually. I could take part in writing competitions to collect proves for my writing ability in the future, if i'm really going to be a writer. I could be a music teacher and an orchestra violinist. That can support my living expenses. And if I quit from the course, I would keep practicing art and be an amateur.

Now that I've got my thoughts out, don't think I'll quit from the course. I'm just too coward to do that.