back to being brave all over again

Can't believe it's been so long since my last post on this blog. I have been through a lot since that blogging, which was during foundation year. it's already term 2 for year 1 in degree, and to be honest, I have learned a lot even though i don't realize it.

I am still experiencing the same thing, the thought of quitting the course, but now that I realize I have been like this since foundation, and I have recovered, I quite frankly, simply numb.

At first I started having problem with datelines, it started to get not healthy because I was not satisfied with my artwork, and there is no time to correct that flaw. Eventually I came out of the attitude to just do it, it's just a matter of coming out with something to show, the end. I became relax and my mind was free.

Then I got close with Zi Hweh, I think she got into me. I mean her mindset. She's very sensitive to stress, and she is easily influenced in a dramatic way. Some times, I got as mad as her, because I tend to try and support her position, to defend her I guess. Some times, I see her as my mirror. She is what I am going to be if I continue with this kind of attitude, so it kind of brings me up because I told myself that I do not want to be like her. Not to say that she's not good, I do try to help out when she's stress out.

It was just last week that I went through the same thought again, do I belong to this suffering course? Actually if you ask me now, what did happen.. Uuuu, I don't remember. I think that's a good thing though, to remember only the good things, not the bad ones. I do remember now, I heard the radio DJ, Chan Feng, said on the counselling program, that a career should be ones ability, not interest. I agreed, then I started thinking that I did not enjoy my course because I am not good in it, I am good in writting and academic stuff, not art. During my dilemma period, Wan Cheng said to me, once you have decided what you want, do not think anymore and walk straight ahead. Thanks to that, I am who I am right now, in this moment, I do not think anymore, I will finish what I started, full stop.

Another interesting thing that did happen was the chaos between us and the lecturers. There was a briefing this Wednesday. The lecturers announce that they have set up a new marking system, and they showed us the A-standard sketch books from NTU. Trust me, if you were there, you would see everyone's expression, it explains what they were thinking. Everyone was stress out and in shock. Base on our standard, we were like being pushed ten steps backwards, as if we would have to start all over again to climb this gigantic mountain. It was silence during the entire briefing. I did felt like crying when I was listening to that, furious almost to the point that one would shake in anger, I could not even speak a word when my friend asked me what's wrong with me. After the lecturers went out, me, Mandy and Zi Hweh sat in the cafeteria, and we were scolding and cursing. At the end, we decided to meet Mr Arthur to clear out the long confusion and stress we got from the lecturers. After the talk with Mr Arthur, we were satisfied, because Mr Arthur was so good at clearing the air, and make us think the other way around. I'm impressed. Do think it's a bravery to voice out to the authority of our lecturers. I really got the idea after Mr Arthur's explanation.

The next day, Ms Alce called for a briefing. Well, it was no brief, it was long, dragging and clueless. Ms Alce said that we should go to her when there is problem, because she's the leader and that is the direct way to communicate and to solve the problem. All the way, all I heard is she defending herself. She said that she herself, trusted us, and we should trust her. When she say that, all I can see is just her putting a play in front of us, total lye. From the beginning, she has been acting fake, for me la. Maybe it's the way working people work in this society. So, I do not trust her any more. Well, experiencing that drama, and tutorial with all 3 lecturers, I have no faith in all 3 of them. That is why I am numb now, I only trust my self. I do agree that I need after school activity starting from next year, to avoid me over thinking again that design is a big heavy burden in my life. I believe this event will be memorable to the lecturers, to the friends that supported this confrontation (with Mr. Arthur and the lecturers) and of course to me. It's been long since I have done something like this, brave and confrontation things, you know. The last time I did it was during secondary school. Felt like it's time for me to go back to the brave, adventuress me all over again.

For now these are my goals for 2012.
New Year Resolution:
1. be in an orchestra, aiming MPYO
2. be more active in other things than just project.
3. to participate in a writing competition.
4. to wear cons as replacement for spectacles.

I'm positive

Not anymore worrying what I'm doing. I'm just going with the flow these days.

I've got my feed back from Ms Yvonne today. I got a B+ for my journal project. Supricingly, when I heard the lecturer's comment, I was neutral. She said she like some entries and some, not so much. She said in term of concept, I'm strong, but in terms of technique not so strong. Which is how I know myself. Ms Yvonne says I have to find a balance between these 2, and improve from there. I take it well, and walk on from there.

I'm gaining confidence along the way. Yesterday (Wed), me and my team presented SUHAKAM for Malaysian studies subject. Among the 3 groups who presented that day, we were the best. The other 2 went off the stage without a clap plus feeling embarrassed; but we ended our presentation by receiving applause from the lecturer and the audience. We all got our point through well, we encounter questions but we were able to answer them. Luckily they were not facts questions. Felt so proud for that presentation, such sense of approval from everyone. When we all went back to our seats, my friends keep complimenting me, saying "love you so much" because (as if) I've save them all.

Once again my ability in academic subjects is recognized. I should be a lawyer..

I've also learn how to cherish and appreciate the "process" lately. I've learn to do silk screen, and today I learn how to remove photo emulsion from the screen. I've learn to use several machines in the 3D studio, and I'm confident in using them. I love those machines, they are so helpful and quick, makes my life much easier. Also liking Mr. Joe from the 3D studio, so kind and generous in helping and teaching fresh students like me.

Life is nice these days, even though it rained and I got wet today, but I'll always remember the times that the sky is good to me.

elecoldxhot winner for showdown 2011!!! Yeah!!!

same

It's the same dilemma again. We're slowly stopping from classes these days, it's the end of semester 3. But, we're still on date line's pressure. I've lose motivation in me again.

I was thinking, maybe I should have think of something easier to execute. For now, I see myself

not doing design anymore in the future. Many are like that.

Some times, I just think, why am I doing this? It's not giving me satisfaction or sense of achievement what so ever, like what designers are suppose to have. I'm struggling through this design thing. I'm not bad, but I'm not good either. It's not making any sense right now.

Sometimes, I hear this in the radio. Many people lives a boring life. Everyday is the same, life as a human= life as a robot, no sense in life. I feel this way right now. I think if I can do design part time, while putting other things as my priority, it would be more fun. At least, i'll like design more than now.

Doing thing we don't like, is not important, and why am I still doing this? I do not have the answer.

dilema

I'm having thoughts in my head these 2 days. I was so lazy to get started to do any of my projects. I know I have to think positive to get through this, but it's just not that easy to walk the walk at the end of the day.

Now I've understand myself better.

my strength: thinking, writing, language, drawing.

weakness: problem solving, building the real thing, coloring, basically all workmanship and techniques.

solution: practice. find out your strength as soon as possible.

the thing is, I do felt that we can't really adapt because it always changes in every semester. Even if I've find my strength, I can never rely on it because I may be doing a sculpture one day, and a visual journal on another.

here's the thing. I've been told that I'm not working hard enough to ensure my scholarship's continuation. I've founded out from the college's office, that an overall B gred (60) is already enough to keep the scholarship. But in order to secure it, I have this mind set to get all As for every semester. So, I'm expecting myself to deliver every step of the way.

During studies in school, even though we have exams and all, but I was never stress until the point of fed up, like what I'm having for design. Academic was easy for me. So, I was starting to think maybe I'm meant for academic things, maybe I should stop. I was lazy and frequently losing motivation for design. Maybe I should quit from the course and learn other things.

But I may never get another scholarship from other colleges. To start over, I'll be wasting time. And I don't want to lose any of these. Plus, quitting from something sponsored is too adventuress for me. Oh~ some times I just hope I can go wild, because I'm too restrictive towards myself. I'm always the one whose stopping myself from doing things.

In the mean time, I was also thinking what else can I do. A writer/ columnist/ author for fiction books, because people always compliment my language ability, well just English and Malay actually. I could take part in writing competitions to collect proves for my writing ability in the future, if i'm really going to be a writer. I could be a music teacher and an orchestra violinist. That can support my living expenses. And if I quit from the course, I would keep practicing art and be an amateur.

Now that I've got my thoughts out, don't think I'll quit from the course. I'm just too coward to do that.

virus attack!

I tried signing facebook, but i can't. suck the virus!

last few days, I sign in to fb to inform my classmates about the lecturer's msg. So, I sign in, checked my notifications first. I saw a link send by my teacher, pn salina. The title which includes the word osama attracted me. Didn't even hesitate because it's from my teacher, so I click it. siapa tau, kena liao lo!

chat boxes start popping up by themselves. the link send it self to everyone. my friend told me to change my password, so i did. I try signing in again with my new password, but I can't. Fb says this is not your password. I try changing my password again, which needs a reset code that, had been sent to my e-mail. I sign in for hotmail, but....!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T. hotmail says someone sign into your hotmail and send a lot of spam. for your safety/security, we've blocked your account until you reset your password. while setting the new password, hotmail keeps saying do it again, sorry for any inconvenience. O M G

now, this blog is the only thing I can sign into. haiz~

btw, if any of my classmates reads this blog, Ms, Karen says bring a new A3 sketch book and colored pen on Monday(9 May 11).

semester 3

I've just got my result today. Guess what Wan Lee, you guess wrong. You got 4As, A for all subjects. You have completed one of your 2011 new year resolution: to get all As in semester 2. I'm quite happy, I didn't think I can do it.

This means i'm going the right direction. I shall keep this up til semester 3. Complete another new year resolution: to get distinction for practical grade 7 for violin exam!

sem 2 project and break

my favorite picture of all, purple lighting

interior ( night)

interior(day). Mood: mysterious

exterior. mood: protective

exterior: front

another long time gap to this post. same goes for my other blog.

To sum up sem 2:

from my own judgement, I don't think my grades will improve, but I honestly think I improve. Example: I've had 3 satisfactory drawings from drawing class exercise (only 1 from sem 1); I've learn to use semi colon (;) in english writing; my lecturer, Ms Tyonna, said my critical studies essay was good, I am in her A list. Although i do learn new things in projects, but I got 2 Bs already out of 3. I think I improve in working hard and getting higher B marks, but still... For semester 1, I got 3B and an A, I don't think there'll be a shift from my old result.

For last week of semester 2, I stayed in the college's hostel, to work on our team project (Human Sanctuary) overnight. It was tiring, but fun and memorable. The result of our projects, i think, was great, excellent, a good combination of all our team member's strength in both designing and building the real thing. I've also build great relationship with my team members: Jietz, Alice, Vui Ming, Ming Zhen. Also learn what is it like to live in the hostel. Therefore, I now plan, to stay in the student house, or rent a house and share it with interested friends. I'd like a place which is more motivating for homework, a single room with bathroom. I don't like changing clothes in the bath room. Single room is good also for me to practice violin everyday.

to yee yen

Yee Yen reads our blog. So I hope she read this.

Yee Yen is in a new ward, and has to be on-call every alternate day. I can see she is exhausted every time she comes back home. Her eye brows are always frowning every time I see her. Yesterday night, I knocked her room's door, because both door-way in to the toilet are locked. She opens the door and see me. She's frowning and looks at me as if she's going to scold me. Anyway, she say nothing when I come in. I told her both door were locked, that's why I knocked.

I am very scared of her, to even talk to her. I won't dared to speak to her more than one sentence.

I know that her mental health is not in a good shape now, due to her long hour and exhausting work. I'd like to talk to her to help her release her stress, because Yee Yen doesn't talk much now a days. I think she's suppressing her stress. If she talks, she will throw out her anger and stress in full force. That's why she keeps quiet.

Yee Yen always tell people to work to the hardest, she hates people who doesn't. And she's the kind of person who had peak mood, she's either very happy or very sad. I hope she learns a better way to channel her stress, because she should know, people are worried about her.

Yee Yen said she expect her children to work as hard as her. Imagine this is Yee Yen's child writing in the future, this will break a mother's heart.

talking dharma in music

i've been thinking of some thing to blog, inspirations to blog. But felt lazy until this second.

Anyway,

I'm in a holiday from school now a days, so my focus is on the music. So, every Wednesday and Saturday is my violin day, which is nutrition to my brain and soul every week. I'm trying best to know more about violin these days, for my exam and also for teaching lessons.

For my own lesson, I tried to absorb as much from my teacher every week. I'm practicing everyday now so I'm consistently keeping track of my progress. I think my teacher is very good, and very inspiring. I have high respect for him, as if what he says is a bible or something, hehe. Really do hope I can become a master of violin some day, to play violin like it's a part of my body. And of course, to get distinction, to get a diploma. Honestly, I am not sure if I can do all those, but I set them as my goal.

From my teaching, I'm doing research on exam syllabus, exam gradings, ways to repair a violin bow. I have a boy, Christopher, whose taking theory Grade 1 next month. I am giving him past year sheets to do every week. Marking it is a new thing for him, and I have to browse books to find him the best appropriate answer. Teaching gives me a lot of exposure to new things, a lot of 'first times', and I felt motivated by them. I'm planning to study theory until grade 7 or 8 just so I can teach theory like most piano teachers, later in this line. As I was browsing ABRSM website for info, I saw a page offering teaching course. It cost 200+ paun. (UK money, or is it spelled correctly?) I felt interested. I am seeking more to help my student now. Other than my teacher , colleague and the internet, my input for solutions are limited. By thinking all this, I felt more of teaching music as my main job in the future, rather than working as a designer. Which I don't feel odd. I've asked 2 music teachers, they did not have higher education in music.

Learning music is nothing like studying academic stuff, every level-up is a challenge to overcome from our selves, which is way more difficult. My mind is now in a state of enjoying, and at the same time, thinking seriously about music. And now I realize, I'm yet again in another level now.

Happy things

It's near Chinese New Year, we've done buying new clothes. I, for this year, bought a shirt, which perfectly covers all my weaknesses: my bye-bye-yok, and spare tyre. And I bought 2 dresses. It's the first time I'm buying them, willingly^^.

I like them very much but I'm saving them for after CNY, plus the fact that I'm with this bad hair style now, haiz~. Long hair and girly is quite the style that suits me best.

After last last week of reality boost: my Grade 6 violin failure result paper, I was triggered to set a goal. My chinese new year resolution, hehe, to get a Grade 7 violin distinction cert this year!

And also to practice violin everyday, get As for all subjects in school, to build self confidence, build up my assurance in making decisions, make goals for every violin week.

I've also change a new background for this blog (work from几米, a Taiwan artist), and a new profile picture for my facebook.

Happy Chinese New Year, world!

bad hair= bad mood

i planned to sketch some door panel design tonight, but I turned into a bad mood after seeing myself in the mirror. No matter how I comb it, it doesn't work.

I am sad and am angry at the hairdresser that's responsible for this!

The guy did not wet or blow my hair straight before he cut my hair, even though my hair was tied up. He just cut it dry. My hair is now in 2 straight lines, front and back.

I am determine not to let any male cut my hair anymore. Every time it's a man, I get stuffs like this, ridiculous! I wrote in my notebook that I would never trust hairdressers anymore, now come to think of it, it was good every time it a lady who's cutting my hair.

It's like the guys didn't study anything from the hairdressing school, no sense of suiting the hair cut according to your face's shape.

And I have to suffer a month of bad hair day, and face everyone with this ugly hair. I said,"I only have to not face the mirror for a month." Yen said "pity~". Every time I look in the mirror now, I want to cry. curse that guy, hope he gets scolded by his bos!

Usually I can overcome bad haircut after a day, but this time, I think I'll take a month.