Year 3

It's December 26, 2013, it's a Thursday here.

These few days, I've been feeling a dread every time I wake up in the morning, knowing that I need to do assignment. I'm running out of time but yet I don't feel like doing it.

This Year 3 is crazy, the time tables I feel is messed up, jumbled up. I can't focus. Knowing that I have 2 more assignment untouched while focusing on my writing, I feel stressed.

Since year 3 began, I've been feeling this; I can't wait for graduation. Is it because I'm too impatient, unworthy of any long fights? Is it because I have lose any drip of passion I had when I first chose this path? Is it because I am growing old and I am turning more stubborn and is not able to have the right mind, to persuade myself to pull this through.

I just want to give up, give up every assignment; I had this plan now, to not care for anymore marks or what, I don't want first class honor, I don't care to reach any expectations from myself and my friends. Maybe it's just my expectation on myself. My sibling and parents, even my teacher never blame me if there's any failure, if there's any what ever what ever. Well, I think I am never the best, and never below average; maybe that's why I have the expectation now to not disappoint them. I can take care of myself, I can manage, I'm an adult.

It use to be effortless, even when I had the attitude to just simply do my design projects, without 100% of effort. Now that I've lose passion, decided I am not going into design after graduation, knowing it's just a few months left before I get the cert and be set free from this torturing state; I can't wait for it to end! Kinda hate design now. It's a burden now, not obligation of a student, not homework, it's burden. I would rather pay someone to do it for me.

Yet I care about what I see when the design is out. I'm thorned. At first, I told myself I don't want first class anymore. And then, I tell myself, I'll just do it without questioning its quality, you know, just to shut the fuck the requirement of the course. And yet, when my shit design turns out looking errmm.. I care, I want to do touch up and make it better. I want to let go, but a part of me wants to get a grip of this and do it right; at least not waste my effort and make an ok portfolio. At the end of the day, I will be showing it to people.

Maybe in the long run, for people like me, people without passion for design, it's best to go back to the previous mind set; I can do it, I can manage, as long I hand in by dateline, it depends on me when I want to do it. I'm an adult now, I'll take charge, it's my result, I can do whatever I want with it. Wow! it feel so good then, no pressure, no class rep, no expectation, and most of all, I don't care; and when I get compliment, it's a bonus, and I'm happy.

What do I do? I feel trap, I know it will end, but while the course last, so will my sufferings. As Budddist teachings say, the suffering is in your head. Take control! Wan Lee, take control. Calm down, set time table, make extras for unexpected situations. It will be done smoothly, stress free because you know everything is under control. And you don't care what anyone thinks, it's just you.

The problem is you. You used to know what you want. What do you want now? A time out.
Well, make that a part of your time table then, You're allowed a time out, but you have to get things done. You may want to talk to your tutor or lecturer, maybe try skipping a presentation for once. I've never tried it, might as well try it before you graduate. muahahahha^^

Don't care, you don't have to do the very best, you just need to do ok, and get it done just to SHUT them up.

I need more therapy, may I continue?
Yes, you eat first la.
Ok, see you later.
See ya.

Hey I'm back.
When I walked down stairs just now, no, since i woke up, my shoulders' are slouching. I don't have any more strength. Well, it's not that serious actually, but I just don't want to do anything, My god!

Hey, I have some idea to solve your problem.
List your problem. We try together to tackle the problem one by one. Come on, I'm sure somebody who have done well all this while can do this. Let's pull this through together. You're not alone, I'll help you.
...Thanks...
Alright!

Problem
1. I don't feel like any of my assignment is going to end. It's just on and on and on. I need the satisfaction of completing something, really often.
2. My head is messed up
3. The feeling of overload work, I feel like I can't handle it.
4. I've lost my passion
5. I'm not sure I can reach my goal: even to meet every dateline
6. I need time for leisure, reward, once in a while.
7. I want to let go, but I hate my final artworks.

Solution
1. Set task for everyday. Get satisfaction from crossing every task you complete.
2. Keep things organize, planned, clear
3. Set time table, base on priority and date lines. Goal: just finish it.
4. Remember your goal is finish the course, you don't have to love it. You need to reach your goal.
5. Motivate yourself everyday. Every night compliment 3 things you do good that day.
6. Well, organize your time. Only work on weekdays, you'll be more productive.
7. Choose one, you HAVE TO decide.

...Thanks...
Please try, because I know you can do it, Wan Lee
You blog a month later, we check the progress later. I'm sure this is not so bad. You can graduate.
Haha, imagine when you read this a month later or when you're older, this will seem funny. Because it will seem just so small of a problem. hehe
Thanks, imaginary friend, wan lee